The Baby.

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The Baby.

Nothing in my whole life could have prepared me to be a mother.

The first Christmas my son was here I was so stressed trying to figure out how to get him to sleep, get him to eat on a normal schedule (not every hour and a half) and just get through a shower without him needing to be on me. I'm sure we made it through the reading of the Christmas story but we only made it 5 minutes into a Christmas Eve service before my son scratched his face (badly!) and screamed like he was going to die. Upon noticing where he had hurt himself I ended the scene by crying myself as we ushered ourselves to our car to leave. I felt like the worst parent in the world. 

The second Christmas we had my son he was just over one years old and didn't get it. At. All. He saw boxes wrapped up and a pretty tree but honesty didn't seem fascinated at all. We got the nativity play set and I couldn't even get through a sentence about Jesus without him pushing the button on top the manger that lit up a star and played “away in a manger.” I'm sure we got through a reading of the Christmas story at some point. We barely made it through a walk-through live nativity event but that was it.

This year my son is freshly two. When we first pulled out Christmas decorations the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend (a new tradition) his eyes lit up with excitement. Lots of interest to "open" and "lights!" And "whoa!" With each new decoration I desperately tried to explain the excitement over Jesus' birthday in toddler lingo. I don't know how much was understood but we are at "baby Jee" with the Jesus baby of the nativity play set which I consider a small success! I wasn't sure how much of our excitement over Jesus was rubbing off on our son until just now.

We have a new tradition this year, 24 books. I wrapped 24 Christmas books in brown paper and let my son paint them red and green any way he wanted to. After the wrapping paper dried I stacked them into baskets under the tree. Each night he gets to unwrap one and we read it before bed. All three of us, my husband, son, and I pile into his toddler bed for a new story each night. Some books are silly but several have been about Jesus. Each night he takes every opportunity to get us to read more books than his new one and the 'extras' he keeps grabbing are the ones about "baby Jee." I don't know if he can sense my excitement in reading these or notices how emotional I get that he wants to read them but whatever it is I'll take it!

Our book last night was A Charlie Brown Christmas. At the end of the book the last page is the lyrics for "Hark the Herald Angel Sing." Maybe some reading the book would just say the lyrics but I can't just read song lyrics. I need to sing them. When I finished singing and closed the book he quickly grabbed the book, opened to the last page, and asked me to "sang" again and then waited with expectant eyes. Of course I did. He fell asleep to my singing the lyrics.

Today as nap time approached I asked him which book he'd like to read to lay down for nap, he frantically went searching for A Charlie Brown Christmas. As I read the book he kept trying to flip to the last page where the song was. I noticed his eagerness and abbreviated the story to get there. Once I got to that page and started to sing he looked at me with the biggest smile and sparkle in his eyes, rest his head on my chest, and closed his eyes. I slowly got up to leave the room but quickly behind his closed door I heard the pitter patter of his feet and looked at the monitor video. He had jumped out of bed, grabbed the book and run for the door. I quickly came back in, he handed me the book, grabbed my hand, pulled me toward his bed and innocently asked "sang?"

Of course I did.

I lay down beside him and began to sing...

Hark the Herald Angel Sing, glory to the newborn King.

Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinner reconciled.

Joyful all ye nations rise, join the triumph of the skies,

with angelic host proclaim Christ is born in Bethlehem!

Hark the herald angel sing, glory to the newborn King. 

I sang through it several more times before singing O Holy Night and then leaving him to nap. 

I could hardly contain my tears before closing his door. Just two Christmas’ ago I was holding this sweet baby boy in my arms, trying to understand how I am ever meant to do this thing of mothering with beauty and get him excited about “the baby,” the birth of Jesus and just two years later I can see how the miracle of Jesus is making it’s imprint on my son’s heart through music.

What a gift God has given me to be a mother. Nothing in my life has made me need Jesus, need a Savior, more than being a mother. My efforts are so small but God is so abundant. He has everything to offer my son, even His own Son!  I have nothing to offer my son without Jesus, without a Savior. 

What a gift to welcome the Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, and the Son of God to dwell in our home and more importantly our hearts well beyond Christmas. Nothing in my entire life could have prepared me to be a mother and to get to know God as a parent.

I'd Like to Avoid the Whale.

Feelin’ like Jonah

I'm scared that we will wait for a long time.

I'm scared it will happen really fast 

I'm scared that no one will choose us.

I'm afraid we will have to choose from 2-3 birth moms.

I'm scared my child will have scars from her time in the womb.

I'm scared my child will be so attached to her birthmom's voice that she won't like mine.

I'm scared I won't be good enough.

I'm scared some friends or family might treat her different.

I'm scared I won't feel attached at the beginning.

I'm scared. 

I was volunteering in the nursery at church with my husband last week and my son handed me the story of Jonah in a board book and asked me to read it. He proceeded to sit in my lap with another child. From the beginning of the story God asks Jonah to do something he doesn’t really feel like doing. I was reminded how often God asks us to do something that terrifies us, or doesn't fit in with the plan we had in mind. As Jonah ran from God I was reminded that we have the ability to do as we wish and run from what He is calling us to. As soon as the men Jonah traveled with threw him off the boat and the seas calmed I was reminded that our choice to obey or not obey Gods plan affects others. As I neared the part when Jonah is swallowed by a whale I was reminded that God will do everything in His power to get us back to His plan but He won't force us to do it. The story ends with Jonah agreeing to go to Nineveh. I'm sure Jonah was still fearful but I was reminded that God is sovereign and His plan deserves our obedience because He is kind and loves us. The board book ended with that but I know the rest of the story. God uses this unlikely and even rebellious man to bring the good news of God's mercy and grace to Nineveh and the whole city is saved from the wrath that was due to them because Jonah converted his fear and even stubbornness to obedience and trust.

God didn't have to use Jonah, He could have chosen anyone to carry His message but it was a privilege for God to entrust it with Jonah, even knowing He would run at first. 

Since our son is newly in his toddler room full time, it’s left our nursery feeling much more empty and left that longing in my heart much deeper and stronger than before. Later this week I met with my mentor and told her about the sadness I felt walking past the empty nursery everyday and told her some of my fears with the adoption process, there seemed to be no easy answer or remedy for the ever-changing emotions I was feeling. She reminded me that whatever happens, it is all for God's glory, no matter what. It's not about me making the perfect choice; it's about me continuing to come back to God and to just do whatever it is He is asking me to do, or to keep doing the last thing He asked of me if I haven’t heard anything new. How wonderfully this played into John Piper's devotion writing that morning: 

God’s Most Successful Setback

Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:9–11)

Christmas was God’s most successful setback. He has always delighted to show his power through apparent defeat. He makes tactical retreats in order to win strategic victories.

Joseph was promised glory and power in his dream (Genesis 37:5–11). But to achieve that victory he had to become a slave in Egypt. And as if that were not enough, when his conditions improved because of his integrity, he was made worse than a slave — a prisoner.

But it was all planned. For there in prison he met Pharaoh’s butler, who eventually brought him to Pharaoh who put him over Egypt. What an unlikely route to glory!

But that is God’s way — even for his Son. He emptied himself and took the form of a slave. Worse than a slave — a prisoner — and was executed. But like Joseph, he kept his integrity. “Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow” (Philippians 2:9–10).

And this is God’s way for us too. We are promised glory — if we will suffer with him (Romans 8:17). The way up is down. The way forward is backward. The way to success is through divinely appointed setbacks. They will always look and feel like failure.

But if Joseph and Jesus teach us anything this Christmas it is this: “God meant it for good!” (Genesis 50:20).

You fearful saints fresh courage take 
The clouds you so much dread 
Are big with mercy and will break 
In blessings on your head.

If you’re in a season where following what God has asked of you seems hard, or maybe even impossible, I hope this encouraging. I love how Christmas always reminds me of the obstacles of Jesus coming to earth, His example of the ultimate sacrifice and His many examples of miracles that broke countless earthly boundaries broke. Be encouraged, do as you feel the Lord leading you, and find scriptures that encourage you through seasons of doubt, fear, and isolation. No matter what mountain seems to be blocking you, He has the ability to move it if you are obedient to what He’s asking you to do.

I’m still terrified but I know where to bring those fears each time they come up, which seems to be daily, to Jesus. His willingness to come to earth gives me access to unlimited peace and grace, not because He instantly changes my feelings and circumstances but because I can rest knowing He is who He said He is. Everyday has become a choice to rest in Him and continue to pursue the path He’s put in front of me, even though it seems easier to just pick up and run. But to be honest, I’d really, REALLY, like to avoid the whale.