The Baby.

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The Baby.

Nothing in my whole life could have prepared me to be a mother.

The first Christmas my son was here I was so stressed trying to figure out how to get him to sleep, get him to eat on a normal schedule (not every hour and a half) and just get through a shower without him needing to be on me. I'm sure we made it through the reading of the Christmas story but we only made it 5 minutes into a Christmas Eve service before my son scratched his face (badly!) and screamed like he was going to die. Upon noticing where he had hurt himself I ended the scene by crying myself as we ushered ourselves to our car to leave. I felt like the worst parent in the world. 

The second Christmas we had my son he was just over one years old and didn't get it. At. All. He saw boxes wrapped up and a pretty tree but honesty didn't seem fascinated at all. We got the nativity play set and I couldn't even get through a sentence about Jesus without him pushing the button on top the manger that lit up a star and played “away in a manger.” I'm sure we got through a reading of the Christmas story at some point. We barely made it through a walk-through live nativity event but that was it.

This year my son is freshly two. When we first pulled out Christmas decorations the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend (a new tradition) his eyes lit up with excitement. Lots of interest to "open" and "lights!" And "whoa!" With each new decoration I desperately tried to explain the excitement over Jesus' birthday in toddler lingo. I don't know how much was understood but we are at "baby Jee" with the Jesus baby of the nativity play set which I consider a small success! I wasn't sure how much of our excitement over Jesus was rubbing off on our son until just now.

We have a new tradition this year, 24 books. I wrapped 24 Christmas books in brown paper and let my son paint them red and green any way he wanted to. After the wrapping paper dried I stacked them into baskets under the tree. Each night he gets to unwrap one and we read it before bed. All three of us, my husband, son, and I pile into his toddler bed for a new story each night. Some books are silly but several have been about Jesus. Each night he takes every opportunity to get us to read more books than his new one and the 'extras' he keeps grabbing are the ones about "baby Jee." I don't know if he can sense my excitement in reading these or notices how emotional I get that he wants to read them but whatever it is I'll take it!

Our book last night was A Charlie Brown Christmas. At the end of the book the last page is the lyrics for "Hark the Herald Angel Sing." Maybe some reading the book would just say the lyrics but I can't just read song lyrics. I need to sing them. When I finished singing and closed the book he quickly grabbed the book, opened to the last page, and asked me to "sang" again and then waited with expectant eyes. Of course I did. He fell asleep to my singing the lyrics.

Today as nap time approached I asked him which book he'd like to read to lay down for nap, he frantically went searching for A Charlie Brown Christmas. As I read the book he kept trying to flip to the last page where the song was. I noticed his eagerness and abbreviated the story to get there. Once I got to that page and started to sing he looked at me with the biggest smile and sparkle in his eyes, rest his head on my chest, and closed his eyes. I slowly got up to leave the room but quickly behind his closed door I heard the pitter patter of his feet and looked at the monitor video. He had jumped out of bed, grabbed the book and run for the door. I quickly came back in, he handed me the book, grabbed my hand, pulled me toward his bed and innocently asked "sang?"

Of course I did.

I lay down beside him and began to sing...

Hark the Herald Angel Sing, glory to the newborn King.

Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinner reconciled.

Joyful all ye nations rise, join the triumph of the skies,

with angelic host proclaim Christ is born in Bethlehem!

Hark the herald angel sing, glory to the newborn King. 

I sang through it several more times before singing O Holy Night and then leaving him to nap. 

I could hardly contain my tears before closing his door. Just two Christmas’ ago I was holding this sweet baby boy in my arms, trying to understand how I am ever meant to do this thing of mothering with beauty and get him excited about “the baby,” the birth of Jesus and just two years later I can see how the miracle of Jesus is making it’s imprint on my son’s heart through music.

What a gift God has given me to be a mother. Nothing in my life has made me need Jesus, need a Savior, more than being a mother. My efforts are so small but God is so abundant. He has everything to offer my son, even His own Son!  I have nothing to offer my son without Jesus, without a Savior. 

What a gift to welcome the Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, and the Son of God to dwell in our home and more importantly our hearts well beyond Christmas. Nothing in my entire life could have prepared me to be a mother and to get to know God as a parent.

I'd Like to Avoid the Whale.

Feelin’ like Jonah

I'm scared that we will wait for a long time.

I'm scared it will happen really fast 

I'm scared that no one will choose us.

I'm afraid we will have to choose from 2-3 birth moms.

I'm scared my child will have scars from her time in the womb.

I'm scared my child will be so attached to her birthmom's voice that she won't like mine.

I'm scared I won't be good enough.

I'm scared some friends or family might treat her different.

I'm scared I won't feel attached at the beginning.

I'm scared. 

I was volunteering in the nursery at church with my husband last week and my son handed me the story of Jonah in a board book and asked me to read it. He proceeded to sit in my lap with another child. From the beginning of the story God asks Jonah to do something he doesn’t really feel like doing. I was reminded how often God asks us to do something that terrifies us, or doesn't fit in with the plan we had in mind. As Jonah ran from God I was reminded that we have the ability to do as we wish and run from what He is calling us to. As soon as the men Jonah traveled with threw him off the boat and the seas calmed I was reminded that our choice to obey or not obey Gods plan affects others. As I neared the part when Jonah is swallowed by a whale I was reminded that God will do everything in His power to get us back to His plan but He won't force us to do it. The story ends with Jonah agreeing to go to Nineveh. I'm sure Jonah was still fearful but I was reminded that God is sovereign and His plan deserves our obedience because He is kind and loves us. The board book ended with that but I know the rest of the story. God uses this unlikely and even rebellious man to bring the good news of God's mercy and grace to Nineveh and the whole city is saved from the wrath that was due to them because Jonah converted his fear and even stubbornness to obedience and trust.

God didn't have to use Jonah, He could have chosen anyone to carry His message but it was a privilege for God to entrust it with Jonah, even knowing He would run at first. 

Since our son is newly in his toddler room full time, it’s left our nursery feeling much more empty and left that longing in my heart much deeper and stronger than before. Later this week I met with my mentor and told her about the sadness I felt walking past the empty nursery everyday and told her some of my fears with the adoption process, there seemed to be no easy answer or remedy for the ever-changing emotions I was feeling. She reminded me that whatever happens, it is all for God's glory, no matter what. It's not about me making the perfect choice; it's about me continuing to come back to God and to just do whatever it is He is asking me to do, or to keep doing the last thing He asked of me if I haven’t heard anything new. How wonderfully this played into John Piper's devotion writing that morning: 

God’s Most Successful Setback

Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:9–11)

Christmas was God’s most successful setback. He has always delighted to show his power through apparent defeat. He makes tactical retreats in order to win strategic victories.

Joseph was promised glory and power in his dream (Genesis 37:5–11). But to achieve that victory he had to become a slave in Egypt. And as if that were not enough, when his conditions improved because of his integrity, he was made worse than a slave — a prisoner.

But it was all planned. For there in prison he met Pharaoh’s butler, who eventually brought him to Pharaoh who put him over Egypt. What an unlikely route to glory!

But that is God’s way — even for his Son. He emptied himself and took the form of a slave. Worse than a slave — a prisoner — and was executed. But like Joseph, he kept his integrity. “Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow” (Philippians 2:9–10).

And this is God’s way for us too. We are promised glory — if we will suffer with him (Romans 8:17). The way up is down. The way forward is backward. The way to success is through divinely appointed setbacks. They will always look and feel like failure.

But if Joseph and Jesus teach us anything this Christmas it is this: “God meant it for good!” (Genesis 50:20).

You fearful saints fresh courage take 
The clouds you so much dread 
Are big with mercy and will break 
In blessings on your head.

If you’re in a season where following what God has asked of you seems hard, or maybe even impossible, I hope this encouraging. I love how Christmas always reminds me of the obstacles of Jesus coming to earth, His example of the ultimate sacrifice and His many examples of miracles that broke countless earthly boundaries broke. Be encouraged, do as you feel the Lord leading you, and find scriptures that encourage you through seasons of doubt, fear, and isolation. No matter what mountain seems to be blocking you, He has the ability to move it if you are obedient to what He’s asking you to do.

I’m still terrified but I know where to bring those fears each time they come up, which seems to be daily, to Jesus. His willingness to come to earth gives me access to unlimited peace and grace, not because He instantly changes my feelings and circumstances but because I can rest knowing He is who He said He is. Everyday has become a choice to rest in Him and continue to pursue the path He’s put in front of me, even though it seems easier to just pick up and run. But to be honest, I’d really, REALLY, like to avoid the whale.

Showering with an Audience

Showering with an Audience

One day I won’t have you waking me in the middle of the night with nightmares.

One day I won’t have to watch you every time you climb up to the top of the slide.

One day I won’t have to hold your hand as you cross the road.

One day I won’t have to buckle you into the car.

One day I won’t have to pack your bag for school each day.

One day I won’t have to help you bathe well, making sure to get behind your ears and under 

your arms.

One day I won’t have to stop you from banging your head on the ground when you’re angry.

One day I won’t have to launder your diapers every two days.

One day I won’t have to match your outfits.

One day I won’t shower with an audience.

I ran across a quote and to be honest I don’t remember where I saw it or who said it but it rings true for so many things for me today:

Worship is a spiritual experience long before it’s a musical one.

How true this is for parenting. Parenting is a spiritual experience long before it’s a physical one, at least it was for me.

Years of hopes and years of prayers that one day I would be able to meet this little person who would give me a tiny glimpse into God’s heart as a parent to me. Years of wondering what it would be like to have this tiny person depend on me for everything.

And then we met him and our lives changed forever.

Once the first little one joins your family it’s easy to get caught up in being tired of taking care of this precious little person, the sleepless nights of wondering and worrying and the days of hard stubborn attitudes but the fact is that God hand chose me to take care of this precious soul. I can spend my days trying to form him into being smart, strong, creative, obedient, polite, and kind but what a comfort to know that God knew you and God knew me long before our births and knew the perfect timing that we would meet and He would entrust me with such a gift, to parent. It’s such a relief to know that parenting does not iron out to the nuts and bolts of my ability to plan the perfect day, but rather the ability He has to bring a person into relationship with Himself despite all the physical circumstances that seem to stand in the way.

No matter what skills I lack, no matter how much more qualified someone else might be to play this role in your life as mom, God chose me. God used so many choices, interactions, and circumstances to finely craft how we would meet. He knew every detail, every person of influence, every condition in my life to lead me to you. He handpicked me to help foster you into the person He desires you to be.

I know I’m not perfect, but I will try to point you to the perfection of Christ. I know at the end of the day He’s already holding you in the palm of His hand and has a plan for your life, and I get to play a part in that. Whenever the hard, long days come I hope I cling to these facts…

One day I won’t be able to sooth your fears with songs.

One day I won’t be able to entertain you with silly art projects.

One day I won’t be able to wrap you up with hugs and kisses and make it all better.

One day I won’t be able to distract you from your pain or frustration.

One day I won’t be able to protect you from falling.

One day I will have to let you fail and I won’t be the one to pick up back up, you’ll have to do it yourself.

One day I will allow you to freely choose whatever you think is best for you.

One day I will have to say goodbye as you pack up everything you own and move someplace else.

One day I won’t have access to you anytime I want, I’ll have to work around your schedule.

One day you will pursue your own dreams instead of right now as you are simply one of mine.

One day you will be a part of someone else’s dream for family.

One day my home will not hold your toys and treasures; it will only hold your memories.

I pray I point  you to the audience of One that has always been watching over you, and I pray I don’t forget my audience of One whenever things get hard, or I’m feeling less than sufficient, or feeling tired, or feeling unsure. To be a parent has been the greatest gift to me, leading me back to my knees everyday and receiving grace to cover my insecurities and love from my own Father above who continues to show me the sacrifice He made for this relationship we cherish.

I will surely miss soothing your fears, rocking you goodnight, kissing your boo boos, keeping you safe, catching you when fall, singing you through your nightmares, laundering your diapers, cleaning up your toys, holding your hand as you cross a road, matching your outfits, 

and most certainly I will miss showering with an audience. 

52 DOZEN CHALLENGE UPDATE:

This month's cookies have been very sporadic! Since making the apple pies and freezing them I've given one away to a friend as a way to thank her for watching Vince while we attended our first adoption workshop. We could not be more excited for the path we are on to meet our daughter and invite her birth family to be a part of ours. What a unique way God is calling us to love Him by adding to our family in more ways than one sweet baby. 

I've also given cookies from the frozen dough I made in three flavors. One set of dough for chocolate M&M cookies, one set of the brown sugar molasses cookies to a friend, and we ate some of the Andes chocolate cookie dough to celebrate the end of traveling for my husband, he's done more of it recently than any other time with his career and we were certainly happy to know there weren't anymore trip planned until after Christmas. 

Fudgy Pudding Cookies in three flavors: M&Ms, Andes Mints, and Toffee Butterscotch Chip.

Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup unsalted butter, softened (1 1/2 stícks)
• 3/4 cup líght brown sugar, packed
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanílla extract
• 1 packet ínstant chocolate puddíng míx, about 3.7 to 3.9 ounces (not sugar-free and not 'cook & serve')
• 1/4 cup unsweetened natural cocoa powder
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon bakíng soda
• pínch salt, optíonal and to taste
• 1 cup semí-sweet chocolate chips OR addition of choice (Andes Mints, chopped, M&M’s, and toffee or heathbar pieces)
• 5 ounces dark chocolate, chopped (I used a fair-trade chocolate from Aldi)

Directions:

1.      To the bowl of a stand míxer fítted wíth the paddle attachment (or large míxíng bowl and electríc míxer) combíne the butter, sugars, egg, vanílla, and beat on medíum-hígh speed untíl creamed and well combíned, about 4 mínutes.

2.      Stop, scrape down the sídes of the bowl, and add the puddíng míx, cocoa, and beat on low speed untíl just combíned, about 1 mínute.

3.      Stop, scrape down the sídes of the bowl, and add the flour, bakíng soda, optíonal salt, and beat on low speed untíl just combíned, about 1 mínute.

4.      Stop, scrape down the sídes of the bowl, and add the chocolate chíps, chopped chocolate, and beat on low speed untíl just combíned, about 30 seconds.

5.      Usíng a large cookíe scoop, 1/4-cup measure, or your hands, form equal-sízed mounds of dough. Roll ínto balls, and flatten slíghtly.

6.      Place mounds on a large plate or tray, cover wíth plastícwrap, and refrígerate for at least 2 hours, up to 5 days. Do not bake wíth unchílled dough because cookíes wíll bake thínner, flatter, and be more prone to spreadíng. (This face is also why this dough works SO well frozen and pulled out whenever you want to bake a few)

7.      Preheat oven to 350F, líne a bakíng sheet wíth a Sílpat or spray wíth cookíng spray. Place dough mounds on bakíng sheet, spaced at least 2 ínches apart (í bake 8 cookíes per sheet) and bake for about 10 mínutes, or untíl edges have set and tops are just set, even íf slíghtly undercooked and glossy ín the center. Don't overbake whích ís easy to do wíth dark cookíes. Cookíes fírm up as they cool. Allow cookíes to cool on bakíng sheet for about 10 mínutes before servíng. í let them cool on the bakíng sheet and don't use a rack.

8.      Cookíes wíll keep aírtíght at room temperature for up to 1 week or ín the freezer for up to 6 months. Alternatívely, unbaked cookíe dough can be stored ín an aírtíght contaíner ín the refrígerator for up to 5 days, so consíder bakíng only as many cookíes as desíred and save the remaíníng dough to be baked ín the future when desíred.

When freezing dough:

Wrap the dough in a log shape in plastic wrap, roll it until it is the desired width of cookies, The wrap it again in TWO layers of aluminum foil. Label the outside with baking instructions (SLICE INTO COOKIES, BAKE AT 350 DEGREES FOR 9-10 MINUTES OR LESS FOR SOFTER COOKIES)

It was soooo nice pulling out this dough and slicing the number of cookies I wanted, setting them on parchment paper on a baking tray and placing them in the oven for a fresh batch without having to make the dough. What a treat! I think I’ll be making 6 more batches of dough for the Christmas season and as gifts sometime this Thanksgiving weekend. 

This is How He Does It...

This is How He Does It

The Lord has really been fighting some evil thoughts in my mind lately:

You’re not good enough.

You don’t have everything you need to parent well, or even OK.

You are weak.

You are tired.

You aren’t strong enough.

You won’t love enough.

You don’t have enough support.

I have two friends who have adopted and each told me to be on the lookout because in these next few months we will be entering a spiritual battlefield. The enemy will try to strip my marriage of joy, my life of support and encouragement, and my day of time. Pray, pray often, ask others to pray for you and pray for that birth family. That birth family is being faced with a choice that no one can really ever be prepared for.

The first time we started the adoption process in 2013, this is just about the part in the process when I found I was miraculously pregnant with my son so I’ve been a little weary lately. Way too many people who don’t understand our excitement about this unique journey to parenthood have been saying, “Watch out! You’re going to end up pregnant again!” and laugh about it. I can’t say how grateful I am for the opportunity to experience pregnancy and have my son against all odds this world threw our way BUT I am equally excited about the fact that God has called us to adopt and giving us this unique opportunity to get to know Him as a parent so imagine how confusing and actually sad it was for my husband and I to pull out of the adoption process three years ago.

We are thrilled to be back to this point and feel God used that season three years ago to better prepare us and give us even more anticipation and excitement about this time around. We are also seeing where we lacked a lot of friends and support three years ago whereas this time we feel the Lord has given us so many more supports, prayer warriors, and friends than we had the last time around. We can see where the timing of this unique journey makes more sense with my newfound work schedule and position. We can truly see the Lord’s hand on our progress this time. But that means we are prime real estate for the enemy to try to tear down what the Lord is clearly taking our family.

As I’ve felt that pressure and that push to question God, question myself, question everything about this process I’ve been finding myself talking scriptures and reminding myself of God’s promises to me more and more this week.

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. Romans 8:37

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.

Ephesians 6:16

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

There’s so many more but these are the ones that I keep praying through whenever the enemy has a hold of my thoughts and it happens so many times throughout every single day that I have to stop what I’m doing for just a moment and remind myself of everything God has promised.

Two things have happened over the last week that have confirmed to me that God is not just here in a spiritual sense, He is walking right beside us in a PHYSICALLY and quite literally holding our hands.

A few weeks ago Chad’s truck broke down and after pushing it home he found out the part he needed to fix it would cost $233. He’s been putting it off to save the money but over the years we’ve found that the truck and our Corolla (Chad’s main vehicle to work) break interchangeably. As soon as the truck is broke down, the Corolla needs repair and so it’s gone for a few years. That’s why it’s been really nice to have the two vehicles; they’ve both been paid off for the last 6+ years so why not keep them both so there’s always a backup for the inevitable repair. Knowing that the truck needed to be fixed soon I opened the mail on Friday to find a check, dated 8/13/15 for $240.61 from our doctor from a service dating 10/22/13, the birth of our son. Apparently we overpaid our doctor by $240.61, almost the EXACT amount of the part for Chad’s truck with tax.

This is how He does it. This is how the Lord operates!

How would that check have taken two months to arrive in my mailbox? How did it take two years to discover we overpaid at the birth of my son?! The Lord knew we would need that money exactly when we did.

Even more recently, Chad had to pull an all-nighter last night because of an audit going on at work so even though he just worked a 16-hour day he stayed up all night to work through his to-do list for work and even some of our home study paperwork. I stayed up all night with him because historically I’ve always done that as a way to support him, that dates back to every all-nighter he pulled getting his engineering degree. I launched our Facial Fur for a Family fundraising website almost entirely by myself (even with my lack of technical skills) and somehow finished it!

This morning I woke up after a 2-hour nap with more energy than I’ve had in weeks. I woke up with joy, I felt the mercy of the Lord splash over my body and rejuvenate me in a fresh way. I woke up our son for school and even he was in a wonderful mood full of sweet hugs and smiles. We woke up with time to spare to enjoy breakfast together at the table before leaving to take him to school. I had a FULL morning planned and felt almost certain I wouldn’t be able to get it all done and I’d end up working late and SOMEHOW I got seven different errands in three sections of town done in my first 2 hours of the day!

And icing on the cake, the enemy whispered all kinds of mess in my head about how unsuccessful this beard fundraiser would be and how I was wasting effort. Let me tell you we already have over 65 separate views and 7 “votes” sold within the first 10 hours of having the website live!!

This is how He does it. This is how the Lord operates!

All day long I had the song “It is Well” playing on my phone and I was able to share God’s goodness with several women this morning and offer up the things He’s doing to encourage me as an encouragement to them in some things they are facing.

Well now, you’ve got me pinned on a lot of things but I’ll own it:

I’m not good enough…BUT GOD IS.

I don’t have everything I need to parent well, or even OK…BUT GOD DOES.

I am weak…BUT GOD IS STRONG.

I am tired…BUT GOD IS RELENTLESS.

I’m not strong enough…BUT GOD IS.

I won’t love enough…BUT GOD ALWAYS WILL.

I don’t have enough support…GOD SUPPLIES ALL MY NEEDS.

BUT GOD.

“BUT GOD” is how my son came into this world and “BUT GOD” is how our family will continue to operate. It is well with my soul no matter what the world has for me, God has overcome the world and I trust Him.

Brown Sugar Molasses cookies were made for some special women in my life: my son’s teachers, they are always so kind and understanding even when my toddler is not. Another batch was given to a friend and volunteer who had a birthday this week and continues to deliver even having changed to a full-time job where I know it’s inconvenient but she does it with a willing and joyful heart, plus she always makes me laugh. And a third batch to another friend who volunteers who is starting a new prayer and encouragement group and has included me; I know the Lord has given me her sweet spirit over this new season of parenthood and I’m excited to be a part of this new weekly encouragement/prayer group.

I’ll add the recipe in just a bit, but I had to get my gratitude for this past week out there to any of you who maybe needed to hear that the levee will break soon! Hang in there, your “BUT GOD” is right around the corner!!

There is a place...

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52 Dozen. Week 40.

There is a place I am wanted. There is a place where I am desired. A place where I am beautiful.

There is a place where I will be included. There is a place where I will belong. A place where I never feel the sting of rejection.

This place is warm, inviting, loving, caring, inclusive, comfortable, and safe.

In this world there will always be those moments where rejection, whether intentional or not, takes over your heart and makes you want to hide from everyone, not knowing who will be the next to hurt you.

I remember when I was a kid and we didn’t have Internet, much less social media. You didn’t know you were missing out on something you weren’t invited to unless someone mentioned it later and even then you didn’t have the pictures in your face reminding you that you weren’t invited. You didn’t know when people were intentionally seeking time to build friendship with others and not you. You weren’t constantly reminded that you don’t belong or shown your deficiencies through the perfect lives of others. Back 20 years ago as I entered adolescence I can’t even imagine how I would have responded to the constant parade of perfection in life, friendship, and family on social media. I remember the constant desire to be included, to be liked, to be loved, and to be accepted. I struggled, hard.

And then I remember when I finally found Christ, or rather He found me.

We grew up in a traditional Methodist church near our home, which was full of the ‘popular’ kids in my school. I can’t say I knew much about Jesus outside what my mom taught me at home. At church I don’t remember learning who He is, His love and affection for me but I do remember saying the sinner’s prayer at the age of 7. Then my dad came to an interest in Christ and my mom agreed we would switch churches to one of his choosing. He chose a large Assemblies of God church near downtown Orlando. Within a few short weeks of attending I found the love and acceptance of Christ through a program called Missionettes. I quickly invited Christ into my heart and surrendered my life to Him having a much better understanding of what that meant. I was instantly surrounded by girls my age who were equally interested in have a life led by Jesus Christ. Within a few short months I had memorized dozens of scriptures, witnessed to countless friends in my middle school, started leading worship at our church’s children’s church. I even acted in a Christian-based film produced by our children’s pastor. Any of my former Sparkle girls reading this?! Holla!

Right before entering high school I completed the three-year commitment to Missionettes which ended in a beautiful ceremony called a ‘crowning’ where each girl dressed in white and is presented to the church by her family.

Entering high school the Internet slowly started to get noticed by my friends, but just enough to have email (which I still did not for 1-2 years) and then AOL Instant Messenger by my junior year. By then, I had a pretty well established circle of friends who were good influences, encouraging, inclusive of one another, supportive of one another, and even protective of one another, most of these girls were my bridesmaids in my wedding. A few of my close friends through high school probably should have been bridesmaids but I had to stop at 7…7 bridesmaids seemed like plenty. Throughout high school I did have a few encounters with other groups of girls who were not good influences and were making different choices with their life that I knew weren’t something God would have wanted for my own life and I must admit I followed them in quite a few unwise decisions but for the most part I look back now and see how God protected me. He guarded me from developing deep relationships with those who would hurt me or lead me astray.

Even in college I see how God led me to the right ministry where He would be able to keep constant contact with me in worship, prayer, and fellowship. I see how He surrounded me with a new set of friends who would love me, accept me, and be inclusive of me. I saw how God taught me generosity with my time, talent, and even treasure with my close friends.

By college I saw social media take off! In fact I joined Facebook when it first opened up but only to those with “.edu” email addresses and therefore only included college students. Although my husband and I went to high school together, Facebook is how we reconnected and ended up meeting up and eventually dating. Facebook is where I first invited my husband to hang out and invited him to church, where he later accepted Christ.

Social media grew to be a primary way to find friends, social circles, organizations and clubs to join, and form a base for who you would surround yourself with.

As an adult social media has become a place to share my life with my family who lives far away, for them to see snapshots of our life hundreds of miles away and maybe help that distance feel like less.

As I think through all the positive that has come from the growth in social media throughout my life I can’t help but see another trend, that I am also most guilty of.

Social media has excused us from real relationships; talking as often is no big deal because we ‘see each other’ on Facebook. I don’t need to ask what you think about a particular issue and have a conversation about it; I can see what your thoughts are by what you post on Facebook. I don’t have to ask you what’s going on in your life and how I can pray for you, I can see all that on Facebook. I am so guilty of this, but I’m afraid our whole culture is now.

Who are our real friends? The ones we share our heart with or the ones who ‘like’ all of our Facebook posts?

I know Facebook and other forms of social media have brought some simplicity to things like inviting people to an event or organizing one but I can see where true friendships have grown and it’s not on Facebook. It’s with the people who have invited me into their life, their family, and their hardships and the people whom I have invited into mine.

So in those moments when we see something online that reminds us that we don’t have as many friends as we thought we did, or the people who ‘like’ a lot of my posts aren’t necessarily rooting for me I’m finding that I need this simple reminder and perhaps you do too…

There is a place I am wanted. There is a place where I am desired. A place where I am beautiful.

There is a place where I will be included. There is a place where I will belong. A place where I never feel the sting of rejection.

This place is warm, inviting, loving, caring, inclusive, comfortable, and safe.

This place is in the arms of Jesus. That’s the ONLY place of consistency and true value.

Are you feeling alone? Run, don’t walk, to the arms of Jesus. Let Him cover you with His grace and mercy and forgiveness. Let Him cover every moment of loneliness with His presence. He is big enough, He is strong enough, He is enough for whatever you got for Him.

And let people in. Let people into your real life, not just your online life. Let people love you. If you are a believer, let the church love you in a real way by letting them in, even when you’re unsure, insecure, or afraid. Let them know how you feel and then let God use the people He’s surrounded you with to encourage you, sharpen you, see you for who you are and love you.

Here’s a tough one for me: Let people HELP you. You cannot do this life on your own and yes, that rejection or hurt will come, even from someone of similar faith, but forgive and allow Christ to mend those hurts. The people who God has designed for your life will be in it if you let them be. The adventures Christ has in store for you will come at a cost but know that even the sting of rejection is something specific to this life here, not the one Christ has for you for eternity.

And so I sang today in church, it is well, with my soul. Even when the circumstances of this world are unpredictable and even unfavorable, He has secured a future of peace and safety for me, in His arms.

These words are something God has been speaking to me this week so I hope they are encouraging to you, no matter what mountain is in front of you, He will throw it into the midst of the sea.

8 oz. semi sweet chocolate
6 tbsp butter
2 tbsp instant coffee powder (I used decaf so my son could eat them)
1/3 cup all purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tbsp sea salt (optional)

1.       Melt the chocolate, the butter and coffee powder in the microwave by heating them 30 seconds at a time and stirring in between. Stir until smooth and melted. Let that cool a bit.

2.      Whisk together the flour, baking powder and salt in a small bowl.

3.      In a medium bowl whisk the eggs, sugar and vanilla until light.

4.     Add the chocolate mixture and whisk until fully incorporated.

5.      Fold in the flour mixture until just combined. Cover in plastic wrap and leave in the fridge for 1 hour or overnight so you can bake in the morning before work.

6.      Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

7.      Line a few cookie sheets with parchment paper.

8.      Drop dough onto cookie sheets about 2 inches apart (yes that far apart because the cookies will flatten more than you think!)

9.      Bake for 10-12 minutes.

10.    Top each cookie with a pinch of salt if you like but I did not. Enjoy!