I'd Like to Avoid the Whale.

Feelin’ like Jonah

I'm scared that we will wait for a long time.

I'm scared it will happen really fast 

I'm scared that no one will choose us.

I'm afraid we will have to choose from 2-3 birth moms.

I'm scared my child will have scars from her time in the womb.

I'm scared my child will be so attached to her birthmom's voice that she won't like mine.

I'm scared I won't be good enough.

I'm scared some friends or family might treat her different.

I'm scared I won't feel attached at the beginning.

I'm scared. 

I was volunteering in the nursery at church with my husband last week and my son handed me the story of Jonah in a board book and asked me to read it. He proceeded to sit in my lap with another child. From the beginning of the story God asks Jonah to do something he doesn’t really feel like doing. I was reminded how often God asks us to do something that terrifies us, or doesn't fit in with the plan we had in mind. As Jonah ran from God I was reminded that we have the ability to do as we wish and run from what He is calling us to. As soon as the men Jonah traveled with threw him off the boat and the seas calmed I was reminded that our choice to obey or not obey Gods plan affects others. As I neared the part when Jonah is swallowed by a whale I was reminded that God will do everything in His power to get us back to His plan but He won't force us to do it. The story ends with Jonah agreeing to go to Nineveh. I'm sure Jonah was still fearful but I was reminded that God is sovereign and His plan deserves our obedience because He is kind and loves us. The board book ended with that but I know the rest of the story. God uses this unlikely and even rebellious man to bring the good news of God's mercy and grace to Nineveh and the whole city is saved from the wrath that was due to them because Jonah converted his fear and even stubbornness to obedience and trust.

God didn't have to use Jonah, He could have chosen anyone to carry His message but it was a privilege for God to entrust it with Jonah, even knowing He would run at first. 

Since our son is newly in his toddler room full time, it’s left our nursery feeling much more empty and left that longing in my heart much deeper and stronger than before. Later this week I met with my mentor and told her about the sadness I felt walking past the empty nursery everyday and told her some of my fears with the adoption process, there seemed to be no easy answer or remedy for the ever-changing emotions I was feeling. She reminded me that whatever happens, it is all for God's glory, no matter what. It's not about me making the perfect choice; it's about me continuing to come back to God and to just do whatever it is He is asking me to do, or to keep doing the last thing He asked of me if I haven’t heard anything new. How wonderfully this played into John Piper's devotion writing that morning: 

God’s Most Successful Setback

Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:9–11)

Christmas was God’s most successful setback. He has always delighted to show his power through apparent defeat. He makes tactical retreats in order to win strategic victories.

Joseph was promised glory and power in his dream (Genesis 37:5–11). But to achieve that victory he had to become a slave in Egypt. And as if that were not enough, when his conditions improved because of his integrity, he was made worse than a slave — a prisoner.

But it was all planned. For there in prison he met Pharaoh’s butler, who eventually brought him to Pharaoh who put him over Egypt. What an unlikely route to glory!

But that is God’s way — even for his Son. He emptied himself and took the form of a slave. Worse than a slave — a prisoner — and was executed. But like Joseph, he kept his integrity. “Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow” (Philippians 2:9–10).

And this is God’s way for us too. We are promised glory — if we will suffer with him (Romans 8:17). The way up is down. The way forward is backward. The way to success is through divinely appointed setbacks. They will always look and feel like failure.

But if Joseph and Jesus teach us anything this Christmas it is this: “God meant it for good!” (Genesis 50:20).

You fearful saints fresh courage take 
The clouds you so much dread 
Are big with mercy and will break 
In blessings on your head.

If you’re in a season where following what God has asked of you seems hard, or maybe even impossible, I hope this encouraging. I love how Christmas always reminds me of the obstacles of Jesus coming to earth, His example of the ultimate sacrifice and His many examples of miracles that broke countless earthly boundaries broke. Be encouraged, do as you feel the Lord leading you, and find scriptures that encourage you through seasons of doubt, fear, and isolation. No matter what mountain seems to be blocking you, He has the ability to move it if you are obedient to what He’s asking you to do.

I’m still terrified but I know where to bring those fears each time they come up, which seems to be daily, to Jesus. His willingness to come to earth gives me access to unlimited peace and grace, not because He instantly changes my feelings and circumstances but because I can rest knowing He is who He said He is. Everyday has become a choice to rest in Him and continue to pursue the path He’s put in front of me, even though it seems easier to just pick up and run. But to be honest, I’d really, REALLY, like to avoid the whale.