I Am Not.

“Wow, you’re so brave”

“I could never do what you’re doing, you’re so strong.”

“I would be freaking out; you’re so put-together.”

 “That little baby will be so lucky to have you as parents.”

No…no to each of these statements. These have all been said when someone hears we are adopting.

Each evening I lay out two outfits for my son to wear the next day, he fights getting dressed LESS if he feels like he was given a choice of what to wear so I give him two choices, “do you want to wear this shirt or this one?” I don’t know what age you are really supposed to trust a child to pick out their own clothes but I can tell we aren’t there yet when the refusal to wear socks causes me to have a headache.

I also lay out my own outfit the night before. I guess I just don’t trust my sleepy morning mind to select something appropriate for the day and besides that I can get dressed a whole lot faster when my alarm clock goes off, and by alarm clock I’m talking about my toddler waking up grunting or singing (each foretells how the day will begin). You see when you have small children and a flexible work schedule you may wake up and have your quiet time and even get some work done before your child awakes but physically getting out of the bed before its required is unheard of, at least in my house!

Almost every morning I wake up I spend time reading my Bible desperately searching for hope, knowing the only source is Jesus. I wake up knowing I’m tired and in my own abilities I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone, my husband, my son, let alone another baby.

Each morning I cling to the fact that I get to BORROW pieces of armor from God’s closet that allow me to stand firm, have faith, experience peace, and rely completely on the saving grace that God gives through Jesus.

The verses I’m looking at are Ephesians 6:10-18.

I absolutely love verse 13. It pretty quickly busts that whole “God won’t give you more than you can handle” myth that perpetuates our culture, even inside the church. The Message states in verse 13 “Be prepared. You are up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over you’ll still be on your feet.” The NIV states in verse 10, “Finally, be strong in the Lord and His mighty power.” I love it. Be strong in HIS mighty power, you can’t do this on your own, and when it’s all over you’ll still be on your feet. Too often I think of God’s strength as something He’s given me, like it’s suddenly mine to possess when in reality it is His to give on a continual basis and must be acquired over and over again. It makes me think of a well of water. If I’m thirsty I’ve got to get a bucket and take it to the well. That bucket may hold one day of water but the next day I’m going to have to go back to the well and get another bucket of water, the bucket itself isn’t going to replenish itself and it’s only a bucket, it’s pretty limited storage, it’s simply a vessel to carry the water from the well. God’s strength is the same for me. I may have some, but it is only enough for so long before I’ll need to revisit and ask for more. This verse clicks for me when I think about how EACH NIGHT I lay out my son’s outfit for the next day. I know he will need it, so I prepare it. I look at the weather and our activities and set out an outfit I know will be appropriate.

This is what the Lord is doing for me but just like my son has a choice to put it on or fight me, I have that same choice. I may choose not to take the time to put on the outfit the Lord has laid out for me, I may choose to just throw on something totally different and perhaps be ill-prepared for the day (kind of like the other day when I knew the weather called for rain but I was too lazy to pull out my raincoat and ended up forgetting it the next day…I got a little wet, and by a little I mean a lot).

You know what’s funny about being a mom of one, I find myself being a little excessive. Mothers of one will know what I mean…you have the huge diaper bag with four more diapers than you’ll ever need, an entire pack of wipes, 17 snack options…you get the picture. The outfits I lay out are the same…a little excessive. I over-dress my child, JUST IN CASE, it rains…or it's too hot or too cold (layers!). The Lord does this too. He supplies, usually in ABUNDANCE, when we allow Him to be the one who lays out our outfit. So most days I start weak…tired…a little confused…unsure. But if I take the time to put on what the Lord has for me to wear I end the day with peace, comfort, and content with how the Lord didn’t just keep me alive, He has kept me on my feet, standing strong.

I am not brave, I am not strong, I am not giving, I am not…I am not…there are so many things to insert in the blanks of this statement.

To each of these the Lord IS. He has laid out something appropriate that is HIS and yet He is allowing me to use it.  

What does this outfit require of me?

Humility; Humility to admit that I cannot fathom doing this life on my own. I have nothing to boast about. I am not equipped, I am not put-together, I am not an expert, I am not strong, I am not…I am not… He is and He is with abundance.

To give someone else glory for accomplishments or to give someone else credit for our knowledge is certainly not something that comes naturally. Everything in us begs to be noticed, to be recognized, to be accomplished but I’ve come to see that in those moments where that yearning exists are moments I lean on myself and in my own strength I crumble pretty quickly and that desire to be known, recognized, and accomplished becomes consuming, and quite frankly exhausting.

Somehow by putting on this divine outfit I get the privilege of leaning on God’s strength to do powerful and amazing things, things I know I am unworthy of experiencing, like the miraculous birth of a baby girl whom I have clothes laid out for in the room next door.

And each morning I walk past our sweet baby’s room to start the day with my son, I know that in His strength we wait and in His grace He has provided for our family in abundance each day we allow Him to clothe us.

As of last month our adoption fees are fully funded, with abundance. This means that if we got the call today that a baby has been born and she has been chosen for our family, we can say yes with the peace of knowing that God has provided, with abundance. He has made a way. And even beyond abundance in our finances God has been flooding our home with a joy, expectancy, and an unexplainable peace. Only God knows when this sweet babe will join the Freeland family but how amazing to have seen Him provide, in such abundance that even in our weakness He is so unbelievably strong. Many thanks go to a few friends who have truly been Jesus to us and surrounded us with support and love in this season of waiting, again another great example of how He is providing, in abundance.