National Infertility Awareness Week. It's Personal.

I think I always thought about having children in some far off kind of way but never really thought thru what it would take to have children. The yearning for children truly flooded my heart when I fell in love with my husband. I thought I wanted children before I knew my husband but something about meeting a man and falling in love with him makes the yearning for children much stronger, much more real. It’s no longer a faceless child you long for, it is the face of you and your husband combined into this tiny human that God formed using your bodies, how much more intimate can it get?

Once we got married I got on birth control…it kind of seems to be the norm to do this until you’re “ready.” I was working fulltime at a job where I made $18,000 and Chad was in his last year of school while working a part-time job making $9/hour. Within two short months of being married we had a “scare,” I was late. The anxiety that led to that first pregnancy test was indescribable. We lived in a tiny 400-square-foot one bedroom, one bath apartment, made very little money, had no savings, and no spare time. We had nothing to offer a baby. We were relieved when the test was negative but it helped us see where our faith rested, in ourselves. Our faith was resting on our plan, our idea of when God would call us to start a family. We quickly decided to jump out of the boat and onto the water; we chose to stop all forms of birth control. In doing so we put our full confidence in whatever God would hand us in regards to children. As time went on, and especially after we moved into our current home just after celebrating our first wedding anniversary we found that our desire for children was uncontainable.

With each passing month we talked about it with more excitement and expectation. I’m not going to get into the details but trust me when I say we were definitely trying to get pregnant. At first it was light-hearted and fun, but as each month passed without a successful pregnancy it became stressful and heartbreaking. We had questions; we were so confused why something that was so ‘natural’ would be so difficult, especially when so many unplanned pregnancies were saturating the media and even friends surrounding us.

Despite doctors telling us of the impossibility we started to plan, with expectancy, hope, and faith. Right after our first round of medical testing results came back to reveal our infertility in all its intricacies, my husband had to travel to Germany for two weeks. To make matters worse he was gone for our wedding anniversary. As a form of therapy I went and bought paint and used his time away to paint our current nursery. I spent endless hours every evening weeping on the floor.

When we took that first pregnancy test we had no idea that would be the first of twenty-two tests we would take in our first six years of marriage. Twenty of those were negative despite feeling so "sure" we were pregnant. One pregnancy was lost while another was maintained with high doses of hormones twice daily until about halfway through the pregnancy at which point our doctor said we’d just “cross our fingers and hope for the best.” The progesterone I was on amplified the exhaustion, hunger, and headaches of pregnancy. This pregnancy led us to our son. Since having our son we have taken seven pregnancy tests and lost one pregnancy.

Several of the tests I took were taken in secret to shield my husband from the grief and loss felt with each negative. Of course I’d tell him afterwards but the amount of anxiety that is felt each time I’m ‘late’ is beyond words. The hope for a positive yet resolve of a negative brings about so much emotion.

I can tell you that the fight with infertility is constant. It is not something that is replaced by parenthood nor is it something that adoption can remedy however our journey through infertility awakened a different dream, the dream to build our family through adoption. To recognize the deep blessings the Lord has provided us in our marriage and share the joy we experienced through Jesus with another little being.

In the same year we started the process to adopt we found out we were pregnant with our son. We had to terminate our contract with our adoption agency in the hope that this pregnancy would lead us to a baby. I remember with each doctor’s appointment we heard the doubts of doctors who felt our pregnancy wasn’t going to lead us to a healthy baby due to the results of some blood tests. I remember purposely waiting until we hit the halfway point in my pregnancy before telling anyone outside our family just in case our doctor’s predictions were correct. I remember hiding it from my family until we passed the first trimester for the same reason. All those years of fear and doubt had me walking on egg shells throughout my entire pregnancy and just as I experienced during the years of infertility I walked through my pregnancy with a hope for a positive but a resolve for a negative.

It's also very important to say that my husband has always been the rock and foundation of our marriage, putting his resolve in God from the very start. And although many couples find infertility to be a breaking point I can see clearly where my husband has led without a single ounce of blame or hurt being placed on myself or God. He has cared for me with sweetness, gentleness and kindness in every possible way and although infertility has affected nearly every arena of my life, my husband has been the one to keep my focus on the Lord.

After experiencing the birth of my son we didn’t consider the possibility that God would continue to write adoption into our hearts and prayers. Even people around us encouraged us to just keep trying for another baby of “our own.” It wasn’t really until that point in our journey did I realize that this entire journey has not been “my own." The plans I had in mind for my life and starting a family certainly didn’t include failing on such a regular basis, being stuck and prodded with needles, or peeing on a stick 29 times. It took my journey through infertility for me to let go of every ounce of control I had along with every fear, doubt, and heartbreak and realize that just like our first few months of marriage when we put God in the driver’s seat, this journey is not “our own” and since that moment it never really has been.

Do I still struggle with infertility? Yes, on a monthly basis I rely on the Lord to be my comforter as I do desire to birth another child. I’ve found it’s best said “Struggling with infertility is like dealing with the five stages of grief every single month. You deny, bargain, get angry, cry, and accept. Then you pick yourself up and do it all over again.” Regardless of that desire the Lord is ultimately in control of my life and as I’ve embraced that it’s allowed me to look at my infertility a little differently: I walk through my life with a hope for the eternity with Jesus but with the resolve of an unsatisfying life. With that I have seen my hope in Jesus grow and my hope in my own plans diminish. There will be many plans, even Godly ones, that will not happen in my life but if I spend my time staring at all the doors that have been shut I’ll miss out on the ones that have been opened.

Now here we are in the adoption process again, this time past every piece of paperwork and just waiting and I can see how much God has shifted our hearts. Our reasons have changed so much since the first time. No longer do I feel my infertility being remedied by adoption, it’s not. Adoption is no longer my alternative route to parenthood my body won’t achieve; adoption has become a way for us to offer our family to serve the Lord. He has done great, miraculous things in our life and continues to give us a testimony proving who He is and that He alone is capable of anything. He has provided us with an abundance of space in our home. He has provided us with an abundance of time with my flexible job and my husband working for such a family-focused company. He has provided us with an abundance of joy and a love for The Gospel. He has us in a position to give our family to another child. Now each day I walk past the empty nursery with the empty crib I pray for the child God would grant for our family. There is no weight on that child to fulfill my biological desire to reproduce, or even my deep desire to mother more children, instead I look with hope and excitement that God is writing our story and I trust Him. God is writing our baby’s story and I trust Him.

I guess what I wanted to communicate the most is that we can have our plans, but so does God. His ultimate plan is to spend eternity with us, His chosen people. If you are up against something big; do not let it consume you, this life is not meant to be satisfied. The joy of the Lord is most magnificent and shines the brightest when our life circumstances lead us into the trenches because our plans or even the Godly desires that lead to our plans, do not deserve credit for our joy, our eternal hope in Jesus does. If you have put God in the driver’s seat in your life, do not despair. He has a plan for you! The plan may not include each desire you think He’s laid on your heart but it does end with an eternity of endless joy and perfect peace with Him forever and that is worth celebrating and sharing with the world. 

I Am Not.

“Wow, you’re so brave”

“I could never do what you’re doing, you’re so strong.”

“I would be freaking out; you’re so put-together.”

 “That little baby will be so lucky to have you as parents.”

No…no to each of these statements. These have all been said when someone hears we are adopting.

Each evening I lay out two outfits for my son to wear the next day, he fights getting dressed LESS if he feels like he was given a choice of what to wear so I give him two choices, “do you want to wear this shirt or this one?” I don’t know what age you are really supposed to trust a child to pick out their own clothes but I can tell we aren’t there yet when the refusal to wear socks causes me to have a headache.

I also lay out my own outfit the night before. I guess I just don’t trust my sleepy morning mind to select something appropriate for the day and besides that I can get dressed a whole lot faster when my alarm clock goes off, and by alarm clock I’m talking about my toddler waking up grunting or singing (each foretells how the day will begin). You see when you have small children and a flexible work schedule you may wake up and have your quiet time and even get some work done before your child awakes but physically getting out of the bed before its required is unheard of, at least in my house!

Almost every morning I wake up I spend time reading my Bible desperately searching for hope, knowing the only source is Jesus. I wake up knowing I’m tired and in my own abilities I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone, my husband, my son, let alone another baby.

Each morning I cling to the fact that I get to BORROW pieces of armor from God’s closet that allow me to stand firm, have faith, experience peace, and rely completely on the saving grace that God gives through Jesus.

The verses I’m looking at are Ephesians 6:10-18.

I absolutely love verse 13. It pretty quickly busts that whole “God won’t give you more than you can handle” myth that perpetuates our culture, even inside the church. The Message states in verse 13 “Be prepared. You are up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over you’ll still be on your feet.” The NIV states in verse 10, “Finally, be strong in the Lord and His mighty power.” I love it. Be strong in HIS mighty power, you can’t do this on your own, and when it’s all over you’ll still be on your feet. Too often I think of God’s strength as something He’s given me, like it’s suddenly mine to possess when in reality it is His to give on a continual basis and must be acquired over and over again. It makes me think of a well of water. If I’m thirsty I’ve got to get a bucket and take it to the well. That bucket may hold one day of water but the next day I’m going to have to go back to the well and get another bucket of water, the bucket itself isn’t going to replenish itself and it’s only a bucket, it’s pretty limited storage, it’s simply a vessel to carry the water from the well. God’s strength is the same for me. I may have some, but it is only enough for so long before I’ll need to revisit and ask for more. This verse clicks for me when I think about how EACH NIGHT I lay out my son’s outfit for the next day. I know he will need it, so I prepare it. I look at the weather and our activities and set out an outfit I know will be appropriate.

This is what the Lord is doing for me but just like my son has a choice to put it on or fight me, I have that same choice. I may choose not to take the time to put on the outfit the Lord has laid out for me, I may choose to just throw on something totally different and perhaps be ill-prepared for the day (kind of like the other day when I knew the weather called for rain but I was too lazy to pull out my raincoat and ended up forgetting it the next day…I got a little wet, and by a little I mean a lot).

You know what’s funny about being a mom of one, I find myself being a little excessive. Mothers of one will know what I mean…you have the huge diaper bag with four more diapers than you’ll ever need, an entire pack of wipes, 17 snack options…you get the picture. The outfits I lay out are the same…a little excessive. I over-dress my child, JUST IN CASE, it rains…or it's too hot or too cold (layers!). The Lord does this too. He supplies, usually in ABUNDANCE, when we allow Him to be the one who lays out our outfit. So most days I start weak…tired…a little confused…unsure. But if I take the time to put on what the Lord has for me to wear I end the day with peace, comfort, and content with how the Lord didn’t just keep me alive, He has kept me on my feet, standing strong.

I am not brave, I am not strong, I am not giving, I am not…I am not…there are so many things to insert in the blanks of this statement.

To each of these the Lord IS. He has laid out something appropriate that is HIS and yet He is allowing me to use it.  

What does this outfit require of me?

Humility; Humility to admit that I cannot fathom doing this life on my own. I have nothing to boast about. I am not equipped, I am not put-together, I am not an expert, I am not strong, I am not…I am not… He is and He is with abundance.

To give someone else glory for accomplishments or to give someone else credit for our knowledge is certainly not something that comes naturally. Everything in us begs to be noticed, to be recognized, to be accomplished but I’ve come to see that in those moments where that yearning exists are moments I lean on myself and in my own strength I crumble pretty quickly and that desire to be known, recognized, and accomplished becomes consuming, and quite frankly exhausting.

Somehow by putting on this divine outfit I get the privilege of leaning on God’s strength to do powerful and amazing things, things I know I am unworthy of experiencing, like the miraculous birth of a baby girl whom I have clothes laid out for in the room next door.

And each morning I walk past our sweet baby’s room to start the day with my son, I know that in His strength we wait and in His grace He has provided for our family in abundance each day we allow Him to clothe us.

As of last month our adoption fees are fully funded, with abundance. This means that if we got the call today that a baby has been born and she has been chosen for our family, we can say yes with the peace of knowing that God has provided, with abundance. He has made a way. And even beyond abundance in our finances God has been flooding our home with a joy, expectancy, and an unexplainable peace. Only God knows when this sweet babe will join the Freeland family but how amazing to have seen Him provide, in such abundance that even in our weakness He is so unbelievably strong. Many thanks go to a few friends who have truly been Jesus to us and surrounded us with support and love in this season of waiting, again another great example of how He is providing, in abundance.

For Those Who Wait...

Too often when we say we are waiting on the Lord we are actually waiting on the Lord to give us something: a new home, a job, a husband, a child...

What I'm finding in my own waiting is that each day I find myself waiting less and less on the Lord to provide another child for our family and I'm finding myself leaning more and more on Him just for my needs for today. If today is the day I meet my next child, I'll know He will provide enough for today.

He can do more in my waiting than in my doing I can do. He knows what I need for today. He will give me what I need today. 

I'm reminded of when the Israelites were in the desert and the Lord supplied bread each day (Exodus 16). It was pointless to store it up, it would be bad the next day, and besides the Lord would supply new bread the next day, why would you want that old stuff? He was simply trying to teach that He was enough, each day. One day at a time.

I'm seeing more and more that my life is less an opportunity to experience education, marriage, a house, children, traveling, retirement, and so on and much more about experiencing and needing Him. I thought I needed the Lord when I was single but I realized I needed Him more once I became married and saw how flawed I really am. I also learned how much more desperately I needed Him once I had a child. I need a fresh dose of His patience, love, and understanding each day to supply to my son. And boy do I need His forgiveness and mercy at the end of each day when I know I've done it all so imperfectly. Each of these life milestones are God-given opportunities to need Him more, serve Him more, love Him more, "For now we see in a mirror dimly but then face to face, now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." I believe God is the only one who knows me fully, and is ultimately doing whatever He can to bring me closer to Him. What I may view as 'obstacles' to the things I want and can't control, He is using as a way to woo me into realizing that each of those 'experiences' fade but my relationship with Him starts here but goes on FOREVER. 

That is not to say the Lord isn't using my marriage, my home, my child, traveling, etc as a way to reveal Himself to me or provide for me in abundance and communicate His love for me in the form of gifts I don't deserve. My husband is certainly a gift I don't deserve and my son is a miracle walking around. But as soon as the gifts God gives become the focus of my attention, rather than the Giver of all gifts, my 'waiting' on the Lord is in vain. 

Lamentations 3:22-23 reminds me "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness God.

He will provide what you need for today and don't worry about the rest. I have dozens of scriptures floating into my mind each morning speaking about the Lord who provides, Jehovah Jireh. Sometimes He provides in abundance, sometimes it's just enough for today, but it's always enough. He is enough to quench any desire or longing. He is enough to provide for any need. HE is always enough.