It's Time to Push.

It’s Time to Push

On October 21^st at 5:30am I woke up to my water breaking. Of course I rushed to the bathroom and called my doctor and we were shortly on our way to the hospital. I was two weeks past my due date and was scheduled to see the doctor about inducing that afternoon so I was so grateful to be going into labor naturally.

After 27 long hours, the last 8 including heavy back labor, the doctor’s said it was time to start pushing. I pushed with each contraction for about two hours with no resolve. They gave me something to help me relax and wanted me to ‘rest,’ as if that was possible, for about an hour. When the doctor came back in we started trying to push again. After very little success the doctor had to leave to deliver another baby that was much closer to arrival but said if I hadn’t made any progress in those 20-30 minutes we would be taken for a c-section. After 30 hours I was certainly not ready to give up on having my son the way I started to. Chad and I bowed our heads and entered a spiritual war on everything inhibiting my son coming. We prayed for God’s power and for His strength and endurance to enter my body. Within about 10 minutes of the doctor leaving the room I opened my eyes from prayer feeling an extreme urge to push, much more than I had felt for the entire 30 hours up until that point. I grabbed the nurse’s arm and told her “I urgently need to push, right NOW.” She sort of laughed under her breath, probably thinking I was just trying to avoid the c-section until she checked me and said “Hold on just a moment!” and raced out of the room to grab my doctor who literally just finished with the other baby she was delivering. She ran in with just enough time to start pulling him out, after some help from the vacuum my son was free.

From the beginning we were flagged as high risk of Trisomy 18 and until that moment when my 9 lb 10 oz son was laying on my chest we didn’t know whether he had it or not. We intended to bring him into this world filling it with as much love as we could whether he lived an hour or 100 years. Counting fingers and toes, checking out limbs while firmly embracing his fat healthy body, I screamed “Praise Jesus, thank you God, thank you Jesus” louder than I ever have in my life. My doctor, an unbeliever, embraced me and told me how strong and powerful I was to push such a big baby out. I looked at her, reminded her that she was the third doctor to tell me I would never naturally conceive due to my husband’s fertility issues, and now she is the one to witness how God turned the impossible, into possible and went a step further to take over my body and deliver this baby against a ton of odds. She again hugged me and emotionally went through the lengthy process of stitching and repairing my body as I held my son, kissing him more times than I can count.

I am embracing that story now as we lead into our adoption because that extreme, overpowering feeling of needing to push is the exact feeling I feel now in restarting all of our paperwork regardless of the money situation. I told Chad how I felt and of course He prayed and felt very secure in us moving forward. A few months ago we felt the Lord asking us to invite others into this journey with us and since money is the only thing standing in our way, we starting discussing fundraisers, which are WAY outside of my comfort zone but perhaps that’s why the Lord has asked us to do it. To be vulnerable. To be in need of others to make this happen. To be in need of God to make this happen instead of relying on our own ability to raise the funds, go through the process, and meet our daughter without a speck of involvement from others. I think God wanted us to see that her life with us will require the help and prayers of others and we needed to be open and vulnerable to that from the beginning.

Now we feel is the time to push! I wish I could explain it to you. It feels the very same as when those final three pushes brought my son here. I find myself marveling at the timing of God and how He has this divine way of communicating with us that is unexplainable. I also find that same fear I had when it was time to push. Having never experienced birth before my son, and really thinking I was “off the hook” with our fertility issues I had never really considered what those final pushes would do to my body, and what his presence in our world would do to my life until those final three pushes. The fear was overwhelming but in those short moments you don’t have time to do ANYTHING but trust. Trust that God knows what He’s doing. Trust that God is sovereign and intended this boy to be parented by us. Trust that God was strongly present in that room and in my body giving me the strength to bring this baby into the world.

Since acquiring that feeling of urgency about two weeks ago I find myself day dreaming, thinking perhaps my daughter is being conceived right now, at this very moment. Perhaps the brave woman carrying my daughter is making the eternal decision to protect her life. Perhaps my daughter’s other mother is just starting a relationship with my daughter’s other father. I know things will be so different but what a love and appreciation I already have for the woman who will carry my daughter, knowing what that experience is like. I can't even describe how brave she is. God knows everything about her, who she will be, and that we will have the GIFT of being her parents and consistently presenting her precious life to Him to work on her behalf. And so I find myself here again, in those same thoughts as I was two years ago; the fear is overwhelming but I know my only option is to trust. Trust that God knows what He’s doing. Trust that God is sovereign and has intended this little girl to be parented by us. Trust that God is strongly present in every moment and in my body giving me the strength to carry this baby in my heart, even though I haven’t met her yet

I urgently need to push, RIGHT NOW.

Push past the fear, push past the reliance on self, push past the doubt that we are ‘good enough’ to carry this call God has put on our family, push past the obstacles of finances and BELIEVE that God is everything He said He is and He has overcome the world and any circumstance, mountain, or challenge we can throw at His feet.

If you find yourself in a similar situation where obstacles seem impossible, I assure you, God Can Do Anything as long as we trust Him to do it according to His will, He is working out His plans, always, for those who love Him. And I love Him. Not for everything He’s done for me (although that alone is great) but for everything He is, the person that He is, and the friend that He is to me.