52 Dozen. Week 10. "What about him??"

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52 Dozen. Week 10.

I can’t believe I am already 1/5 of the way through this year of baking cookies each week. My goal was to bake 52 dozen and technically I have baked 18 dozen already because each batch was larger than a dozen and several weeks were for multiple people or groups so the batch had to be larger.

This week is no exception! I baked 4-dozen cookies this week in 2 batches and therefore using 2 recipes. I pledged to bake cookies as a form of recognizing the many people God put in my life and to intentionally engage with them and honestly I’m already surprised by some of the folks that I’ve delivered cookies to.

Now on to the juicy details…

My husband and I don’t normally go to small group with church just because of the timing. Wednesday night group starts at our son’s bedtime and Sunday afternoon group lands at the same time I have groups come to volunteer for work. I usually have a group 2-3 times each month at this time which only leaves 1-2 weeks each month that we can go. Last week we were free and able so we went. I had wanted to connect deeper with people at church and knew small groups were the way to do it so I was so relieved to be there.

Our discussion flourished around John 21, the same topic as the sermon that morning. As miraculous as the beginning of the chapter is: Jesus being resurrected and speaking directions to several disciples AND His direction being the key feature of this successful bounty of fish, that’s not the part of the story that called out to me that day. It was the end of the chapter, verses 18-25.

¹⁸ Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” ¹⁹ Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”²⁰ Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) ²¹ When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” ²² Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” ²³ Because of this, the rumor spread among the believers that this disciple would not die. But Jesus did not say that he would not die; he only said, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?” ²⁴ This is the disciple who testifies to these things and who wrote them down. We know that his testimony is true. ²⁵ Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.

Many would read over this chapter and think, “seriously? This stood out to you more than the first part of the chapter??” Well, yes.

Our pastor elaborated and helped set the scene, as he always does so well, and it helped me see myself more as Peter than ever before. Jesus is walking along with Peter (and John is walking behind them, eavesdropping) and Jesus tells Peter that he will die, by way of crucifixion, because of his faith in Jesus. Peter says what everyone else is thinking when God lets them in on a piece of their faith journey that doesn’t sound very appealing, “Lord, what about him??” pointing to someone else. I love Jesus’ answer because it is the answer to each of us whenever we ask this question. “You must follow me.”

Plain and simple. It doesn’t matter what God is doing with that person over there, your friend, your co-worker, your college roommate, your neighbor, or even your momma, “YOU MUST FOLLOW ME.”

In our early years of marriage my husband and I had plans. I had just graduated college the semester before we got married in 2007 and my husband had one year left before he graduated in May 2008. We had this grand plan, as I’m sure many typical young folks do. We would find jobs, buy a house within 1-2 years, have children quickly after, raise a family young, pay off our house, save for college for our children, retire early, and live life traveling the world. I remember us literally having a checklist and timeline. I think many premarital counselors even encourage this kind of silly behavior, as if God won’t change things. And then here you are just married and praying for your timeline and checklist as if it was ever really God’s plan to begin with. I find myself (and you probably do too) praying far too much for God to bless my plans rather than praying that I would hear His.

Moving to North Carolina was not in the plan and as much as I wish I could explain how we made that decision and then made the move, I can’t. I can tell you that my husband and I heard “GO,” yep that’s it. I guess deep down we knew that wherever we went, God was sovereign and already knew we would and would be there waiting for us regardless of where the physical place ended up being, so North Carolina. Why Hickory? Again, weird twisted story but God was in total control, took us through some of the hardest moments of our marriage and we came out stronger than I ever imagined possible. God showed up BIG in numerous ways that I’ll write about some other day.

As far as children, I got on birth control a few weeks before we got married so it would be working once we got married and it needed to work. We made the grand decision to stop birth control about 5 months into marriage because it was literally causing me anxiety. I’m not sure if it was a hormonal thing but I knew I was putting way too much faith in MY plan and my pill than in God’s plan and His desires for my life. This is not an anti-birth control ad; this is what God was doing in OUR life and I do believe He speaks differently to people according to the plans He has for them.

It was mid-2009 when we started to wonder if something was wrong, after so much time with no birth control and nothing happening in the realm of children. In the beginning of 2010 we suffered a miscarriage but I couldn’t have been more than 5-6 weeks along when it happened. After one more similar experience we went to see doctors and get some testing done as we reached the 3-year mark of no success in pregnancy. My testing revealed I didn’t ovulate regularly and I had some hormonal imbalances that would require medication to obtain regular levels, it was an obstacle but certainly no reason why we couldn’t achieve pregnancy as long as my husband’s results were normal. My husband’s tests revealed something we weren’t expecting. While diving into his medical history we learned that he was born with cryptorchidism, which occurs in 30% of boys born prematurely. He was born prematurely at a mere 4lbs. 6oz. Due to my husband’s cryptorchidism going undiagnosed for so long he didn’t have the surgery to correct it until he was 7 years old; the surgery is something that is typically done well before a boy turns 2. Although the surgery was a success, my husband’s fertility would be in question until he was tested. When tested the doctor told him he was lucky to have anything, even the low numbers he did; only 1/3 were the right shape, 1/3 were the right strength, and 1/3 swam the right direction. Nothing anatomically would have told us anything was different about us than any other couple so the results were surprising. After seeing several doctors we were told that we would be fighting an uphill battle to ever become pregnant, and maintain a healthy pregnancy given our obstacles. My husband being an engineer and math-logic natured man figured out our chance of becoming pregnant was a mere 0.00037% - yep I’d say impossible is the word used by several doctors.

My first reaction was to be strong, react like everything is fine; God must know what He was doing. We always talked about adopting; we just wanted to be parents. I held it together for about 2 weeks like that. Telling myself I was fine, it didn’t matter and it didn’t bother me.

Then Peter came out. “What about him?” “What about her?” Why could they get pregnant and not me? Why did God plan this for us? 1 in 6 couples will not be able to get pregnant by natural means. WHY WERE WE ONE OF THEM? Why did it seem like it was an accident for so many and yet after years of actively trying I would not be able to experience this.

It took years of really processing this, realizing how expensive it was to adopt we spent 2011-2012 saving the funds to adopt. We live a debt-free life apart from our home, which is on a 15-year mortgage and set to be paid off November 2025 so we definitely did not want to go into debt in the process of adopting. Now I look back and really see what God was doing in my heart during those years.

For years I would say my reasoning for wanting to be a mother was flawed. I wanted to be a mother because it was like a right-of-passage that you were truly an adult, raising this little person. It was a piece of almost every family’s timetable to achieve these beautiful children happy and playing together on Christmas cards. It was the ability to parent alongside your best friend and spouse. It was the ability to look into your child’s face and see pieces of the man you love and yourself wrapped up in one tiny person. It was the ability to teach this little person to live a life of faith in Christ and prolong the Gospel message after you are gone (ok, that reason is a pretty decent one).

Remember earlier I mentioned that too often we pray that God will bless our plans rather than clue us into His? Well I think I finally got this when God totally disrupted our plans and we started asking for His.  As we started our adoption paperwork and that question came up “why do you want to parent?” I knew my answer had changed so much in the last year. I wanted to parent because I truly believe there are certain things about God and how He fathers me that I will not ever get until I myself am a parent. I realized that desire to know God and be in dependence on Him as a mother was so much stronger than any of my other reasons. 

For those of you who know us, you know God did allow us to become pregnant by way of pure miracle and we found out on the same day our adoption paperwork was finalized as a waiting family. Doctors were shocked when I became pregnant. They were even more shocked that I maintained that pregnancy through the first trimester, something they said was not likely. The doctor with seemingly the most doubt ended up delivering my sweet baby boy, all 9lbs 10 oz. of him, just as healthy as he could be which also defied the odds, but I’ll save that story for another time. I can tell you that even after experiencing pregnancy, it did not ‘fulfill’ me or take away the pain in that journey. Or the pain I feel now longing to be a mother to another child and knowing it is by way of adoption that God is calling us so clearly, so loudly, which is so much different than pregnancy and a road with many other obstacles than the typical route to becoming parents.

And there it was; this reminder that NOTHING in my plan will fulfill me. Nothing I could ever plan to ‘accomplish’ or ‘experience’ would take away my need to experience Christ, to know Him, to learn how He loves me. My need for HIM to fill those holes of desire that nothing on this planet could ever satisfy is so great.

We all have ‘that thing.’ We each have that earthly desire of accomplishment or experience that seems to come so easily for someone else but not to us. God has a plan. God sees you. God knows the ways to speak to your heart. God knows the experiences He wants to give you to bring you closer to Him and bring glory to Himself through your life. And it’s different for every single person.

That day at small group I admitted that I am Peter. I am Peter all the time and I think all of us are but I’ve learned to be unashamed in admitting it. The more I admit it, I see God pulling close to me, speaking to me, giving me pieces of Himself to fill those holes that I THOUGHT a particular life, experience, or accomplishment would fill. I admitted all of this pretty bluntly; I struggle with my infertility still ‘stealing’ things I thought I should have. I look at other couples able to get pregnant easily or even ‘on accident’ and think “what about them?”

Two ladies in small group announced they were pregnant; one announced that same day, moments after my blunt honesty about my struggle and one this past week. I bet a lot of you are thinking “well good luck fitting both your feet in your mouth!” But I felt so relieved that I was able to share how much Peter and I had in common. I felt even more relieved that these two women treated me like they would anyone else when announcing. They loved me knowing that my struggle is my own and it doesn’t mean I’m not thrilled for them and thrilled they’re willing to involve me. I know we all have ‘that thing’ and I’d never want mine to remove me from celebrating beautiful things, even if I don’t get to experience them in the same way. I found myself leaving thinking, “praise God I am not who I was seven years ago, I am not who I was three years ago.”

I’d never want someone who became engaged to apologize for it, even when announcing to a single friend.

I’d never want someone who became debt-free to apologize for it, even when announcing to a friend/relative living in deep debt.

I’d never want someone who became addiction-free to apologize for it, even when announcing to a friend still living in addiction.

And I’d never want someone who became pregnant to apologize for it, even when announcing to someone experiencing infertility.

Never apologize for blessings – even in the face of someone struggling with something similar. We all have our own journey to Christ and each is unique. I continue to pray that God will use days and experiences like these to shape me for HIS plan for me. I know He’s doing the same for you.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

Cookies this week were taken to small group as well as 2-dozen taken to a leadership class I participate in…where there are two other women pregnant.

BAKER’S REVIEW

The peanut butter/cream cheese/heath bar cookies were AWESOME. I found the peanut butter cookies to be pretty crumbly unless you worked with the dough quite a bit before putting the balls onto the parchment papered pan for baking so WORK THAT DOUGH! I added the cream cheese frosting and heath bar pieces as an afterthought but it made the cookies seem more complex with several flavors in there! My son did not like the heath bar pieces, they were probably hard to chew too so he just ate the cookie with some frosting. He’s not your typical frosting lover, seemed much more into the crumbly cookie.

The second batch of cookies was my FAVORITE chocolate chip cookie recipe (it’s been perfected several times for the perfect chewy/soft café cookie without the prep time). I added dark chocolate chunks as well as chocolate chips that were filled with caramel, yumm. I think the caramel was what made it more interesting for my son. He seemed to like licking it off his lips and we both found quite a bit of laughter while doing it. The key to this recipe is the TALL and Skinny mounds of dough. You want them to be like egg shaped but standing tall, not on their side-helps with the shape and chewiness of the cookie, they won’t spread out thin!

Peanut Butter Cookies with Cream Cheese and Heath topping

Makes about 4 dozen cookies (I froze half the batter for an easy cookie fix later)

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup softened unsalted butter
• 1/2 cup creamy peanut butter (not the unsweetened kind)
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/2 cup light brown sugar
• 1 large egg
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 cup all-purpose flour

Directions:

1.      Heat the oven to 350 degrees F. In the bowl of a standing mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, or using a hand blender, cream together the butter and peanut butter. Beat in the two sugars until light, about 3 minutes.

2.     Beat in the egg and vanilla, scraping down the sides of the bowl once to make sure they're evenly incorporated. Add the salt, baking soda and flour and beat just until combined.

3.     Give the dough one last fold with a spatula. You can chill the dough and then roll it into balls (about 3/4-inch in diameter), or arrange heaping teaspoonfuls of the soft dough directly on parchment-lined baking sheets, spaced 2 inches apart. Use the back of a fork dipped in flour to gently flatten each cookie and make a crosshatch pattern.

4.    Bake the cookies for about 10 minutes, until lightly golden and just firm around the edges. Let them cool on the baking sheets for a few minutes, then transfer to a baking rack to cool completely.

THE BEST CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES EVER

Ingredients:

1 cup butter

1 cup sugar

1 cup brown sugar

2 eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 teaspoon baking soda

2 ¼ cups flour

½ teaspoon salt

12-oz chocolate chips or chunks

1.      Preheat oven to 375, cream together butter and sugar, beat in eggs and vanilla. 2. In a separate bowl, combine flour, salt, and baking soda.

2.     Gradually beat into butter & sugar mixture.

3.     Add chocolate chips and stir in.

4.    Make TALL and skinny mounds of dough on cookie sheet covered with parchment paper.

5.     Bake at 375 F for 10 minutes